The AllNew Adventures of Alex Hayden
by is this wiener loaded
Summary: What would have happened if Marvel didn’t cop out on Agent X and cancel the book? Where would Alex and Tasky be now? And what of Sandy and Inez? Join the gang at Agency X for fun, frolics and Fruit Winders – PVC abounds in The All New Adventures of Alex H
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Jennifer East is an OC merc who does have a backstory, but it's written in my head not on here. In a nutshell, she used to work for SHIELD, but broke out and eventually joined the original Agency X before Marvel got bored and turned Alex into an obese loser who nobody likes. This fic is AU and assumes that Agency X never broke down, but instead continued to operate out of Alpine Park and recruited new members to join in the fun. This is it, people. Hold on to your integrity. _

_**What would have happened if Marvel didn't cop out on Agent X and cancel the book? Where would Alex and Tasky be now? And what of Sandy and Inez? Still getting drunk and groping each other? (Or was that all just another of Alex's lovely dreams? – We sure hope not!) Join the gang at Agency X for fun, frolics and Fruit Winders – PVC abounds in The All-New Adventures of Alex Hayden!**_

The phone buzzed and Alex sat up sharply. Wiping the drool from his mouth, he snatched up the receiver and cleared his throat.

"Er, hello?" the voice on the other end of the phone said.

"Agency X," Alex recited groggily, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his other, slightly crusty hand.

"Is this Agency X?"

"Did I just say that?" Shaking his head slightly, Alex tried to focus on the desk. There were two desks. Two desks and a bottle of absinthe. An empty bottle of absinthe. "Aw, crap," he said out loud.

"Excuse me?" the voice said, beginning to sound irked.

"Sorry, ah…well you see, last night we had a party, and there may have been alcohol but I can't remember. And this morning there's no absinthe, but I can't decide if that's because I drank it or if there was an empty bottle in the first place."

There was a pause.

"Hello?" Alex said, starting to wonder if he'd imagined the whole conversation.

"I'm still here," the voice said. "And it sounds to me like either you're nuts, or you're hung over. I'm kind of hoping it's neither, because I'm not sure a lunatic _or _an alcoholic with a desk job could help me with what I called for."

"'Kay," Alex said, examining the empty bottle. "What did you call for?"

"This is Agency X right?"

Alex narrowed his eyes trying to remember if this question had already been addressed. Maybe it was a trick.

"Uh, yeah."

"Jobs done, questions none?"

"Uh, sure."

"So I give you a job and pay you and you do it and don't ask anything about it. Or me."

"That's the general idea. Is this a genuine call or am I on KBBL?"

"What's KBBL?"

"Isn't that the generic name they give to radio stations?"

"Probably. Look, buddy, I have a job for ya. And it ain't pretty."

"We do ugly also," Alex said. He glanced at Sandi's photo of Tasky that sat on the desk in a pink frame with little plastic flowers glued onto it. "In fact, we got a whole world of ugly working for us right here at Agency X."

"Excellent," the voice said.

"Heh. X-cellent. Good one," Alex said. He was now rooting around in the desk drawer looking for a Fruit Winder. "So you wanna come down here?"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," the voice said. "Can we meet somewhere?"  
"Sure," Alex replied, tearing open the wrapper of his favourite rolled snack. "But please not somewhere black tie – my DJ is still at the dry cleaner's."

"Fine, let's meet at the corner of 56th and Park. And look inconspicuous."

"Inconspicuous is my middle name," Alex said, wiping his now rather sticky hand on the sleeve of his blue and yellow Hawaiian shirt.

"Twelve noon today," the voice said.

"'Kay," Alex said again. "See you later alligator."

There was a click. Alex put the phone back in its cradle and threw his Winder wrapper in the bin.

Footsteps out in the park alerted Alex to the fact that he wasn't alone, so he stood up, not wishing to be ambushed, and strolled outside, another Winder in hand.

"Oh, there you are," Jennifer said, throwing her spent cigarette to the ground. Alex stared.

"Do you mind? This park has an anti-littering policy!"

"I don't see a sign. Anywho, I came to tell you we got full payment and interest from the last job. And I'm taking the bonus."

"Noffair!" Alex mumbled through a mouth full of reconstituted fruit and animal by-product. On second thought, believing there was any fruit in there was a tad naïve. He swallowed. "Why do you get the bonus?"

"I seduced a fat man. You get near that much pork you need compensation."  
"You knew you had to do that," Alex said, still disbelieving. "We flipped for it."

"Uhuh," Jennifer scowled. "Believe me, I deserve that cash. You'll get your chance."

Alex scowled again and finished his second Winder. He ambled towards the carousel, and Jennifer followed.

"Anyway, is that all you came to tell me?" he said, climbing onto the nearest horse, which had the word 'Tasky' crudely painted on one side in congealed blood.

"No, I came to see if there's any more work going. I'm getting bored. And I'm getting bored of these crappy jobs. I could be working for S.H.I.E.L.D., y'know."

"Oh yeah, like you'd want to do that. You'd rather have groped ten of that fat guy's ass than still be stuck up there in that tin can."

"True." Jennifer stepped up onto the carousel, and took the horse next to Alex's. This one bore the legend 'Clooney'.

"Actually I got a call. Some weird sounding guy. Kept repeating what I'd already said. I think…" Alex looked thoughtful for a minute, then shrugged. "Wants to meet later. Inconspicuous. No idea what he wants."

"Sounds interesting," Jennifer said, patting Clooney. "This thing doesn't work any more does it?"

"Not since I threw up on the control box."

"Thought not. You going?"

"To meet this incognito dude? I guess so. He was pretty convinced nobody could find out about whatever job it is he wants us to do."

"Kay, well I'll come too. Incognito is my thing." Jennifer stood up and hopped off the carousel platform.

"You suiting up?"

"I don't think that's necessary. I could show up in 10-inch platforms and an afro wig and you'd still be more noticeable. I'm going to find some lunch."

"I have Fruit Winders," Alex said eagerly, but he doubted Jennifer shared his passion for rolled goods, and, as he expected, she left without answering.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that day, as promised, Alex and Jennifer arrived at the designated rendezvous point. Alex was still wearing the Hawaiian shirt he had donned the night before at the party (Sandi had cracked out the Barry Manilow and it would have been rude not to), but had dutifully covered it with a dayglo orange mountaineer's fleece jacket.

"I thought we were being inconspicuous?" Jennifer hissed.

"This _is_ inconspicuous," Alex said, apparently offended. "Do you really think that anyone who knows me would expect to see me in this? There's no way I'll get recognised – piste-chic is not my style."

"Uhuh, well whoever this guy is who wants not to be seen is gonna be pretty _piste_ when he gets here and sees you wearing that."

"You want me to take it off? That it?"

"I don't think the shirt is a lot better, but yes, take it the hell off. Where did you even get that?"

"It's Tasky's, obviously. Last time I was in his car I threw up on it."

Jennifer took two sharp steps backward.

"It's been dry-cleaned! I think…"

Just then, they spotted a guy walking towards them, seemingly in a great hurry. He glanced at Jennifer and then his eyes snapped over to Alex, and a look of mixed horror and disgust filled his face.

"It's not mine!" Alex cried, but Jennifer dug him in the ribs and he quickly shut up. The man stopped about half a metre in front of Alex and whispered 'Agency X?' Alex nodded, and before he and Jennifer knew what was happening, they were being ushered into a cab which had suddenly pulled up on the sidewalk.

Once inside, the mystery man told the driver (who wouldn't have looked out of place in a Guy Ritchie Movie) to go downtown.

"Alright," Jennifer said, sounding a touch impatient (for a change), "what's the deal?"

The man didn't even look at her. But he was short and balding so she figured he'd know she was out of his league, and it was probably for the best.

"We're going downtown to somewhere we can talk more privately."

"So why the hell did we just meet you here?"

"In case I'm being followed."

"You know, man," Alex said, feeling around in his pocket for another Winder, "if they can follow you to Park Avenue, they can probably also follow you downtown."

The man scowled and Jennifer and Alex exchanged disdainful glances.

Nobody spoke for a good twenty minutes, and eventually they stopped on a street which Jennifer did not recognise. They got out, and the man didn't even pay the driver, which convinced them both even more that he was probably in on whatever this was. Maybe.

They followed the man into what could only be described as the biggest dive this side of the bridge.

"What is this place?" Jennifer exclaimed as she tried to un-stick her boot from the floor.

Alex looked up at the sign above the bar. "Bandito's Fritos," Alex said. "You mean to tell me you've never been here before?"

Jennifer smirked. "Actually," she said, "my dive-time is usually divided between Tony's Baloneys and Holly Guaca-molly."

"Heh," said Alex. "Baloney."

The little baldy man, who had been blustering about at the bar suddenly reappeared with three beers. "Thanks," Alex said, taking them.

"No, no, no, they're not for you, numbskull." He snatched one back and sat down heavily at a nearby table.

"Numbskull? I'm sorry, we seem to have slipped into an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

"Man, I loved that," Jennifer grinned, parking herself on a chair opposite the man. "Michaelangelo was always my favourite."

"Mine too, mine too!" Alex shrieked, jumping up and down and sloshing beer all over the floor.

"SIT down." Alex gawped at the man, who apparently had just yelled at him. Then he dutifully sat down.

Jennifer and Alex stared, rapt, at the man, waiting for him to speak. He swigged his beer, then took a deep breath…

Five minutes later they were still waiting – the guy hadn't said anything.

"Are you alright man?" Jennifer said, looking puzzled.

The man was staring at her. Staring, staring… She glanced at Alex and he glanced back, neither of them any the wiser. Then, quite unannounced, he slumped forwards, and his head hit the table with a thud.

Jennifer looked at her beer, then over at the bartender, then back at her beer. Then she held up the bottle and shouted across the room: "Two more of these, please!"

She looked back to see Alex poking the man's shiny bald head: there was no response. "D'ya think that's pissing him off?" he said, continuing to poke and muttering 'pokey, pokey, pokey' under his breath.

Jennifer leaned forward and stared at him. "Buddy, I don't think anything's pissing him off right now. You could break into his house and shit on his wife and I think he'd be pretty cool about the whole thing."

"Woah," Alex breathed. "Then questions gotta be asked."

Alex leapt up and, in doing so, knocked over the table. The man, and his beer, fell to the floor in a cacophony of sound which masked Alex hurdling the bar and throwing the bartender against the wall, pinning him there at least a foot off the floor.

"What d'ya put in his beer, Mister?" he was yelling.

"Nothing! Nothing! I didn't put nothing in there!" The bartender was practically screaming, until Alex tightened his grip on the guy's throat and it kind of died down into a very quiet choking noise.

"What d'ya put in there?" Alex yelled again.

Jennifer rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "We've been over this," she said, getting up and crossing the room. "They can't squeal if you've broken their voice box."

"Oh yeah," Alex said in a moment of sudden (and painful looking) realisation. He dropped the bartender, who sank to the floor, clutching at his neck. For a moment, he looked relieved. Then he glanced upward and saw Jennifer pointing a gun at his head. The relief passed very quickly.

"Talk," she said.

"Okay, okay, I poison him!" The barman now had his hands over his head. "Don't hurt me! I have family! Wife! And kids!"

Alex let out a low whistle. "My God you're good," he whispered.

"Why?"

"I get paid, lot of moneys. Lot and lot of moneys."

"Who paid you the moneys?"

"Some guy with big head. He had big head and small shoulder, and he pay lot of moneys!"

"Big head and small shoulder?" Jennifer grimaced.

"Ewww," Alex observed.

"Doesn't ring any bells," Jennifer said, addressing Alex, who was shaking his head.

"He was working for boss guy," the bartender said, his hands moving further from his face as Jennifer lowered her gun.

"OK," she said slowly. "And who is boss guy?"

"I don't know," the bartender spluttered. "I tell truth, no lie. You don't kill me, I tell truth!"

"Hmmmm," Alex mused. "Whaddaya think?"

"No clue." Jennifer said, holstering her gun under her jacket and extending a hand to help the guy up. He accepted it timidly, then scurried to the other end of the bar to pour himself a whisky.

"Is he here now?" Jennifer asked.

"Who, Big-Head Guy?" Alex said, and she nodded.

"No, no here," the bartender said, his hand trembling as he lifted the glass.

"You sure about that?" Jennifer said in a low voice, glancing around suspiciously.

"I sure, sure. He no here. He come back later to see I do it."

"How did he know that guy was coming here? I thought we came here so he wouldn't be followed?"

"Guy do all his business here," the bartender said, draining his glass and pouring another.

"Hey," Alex whispered to him while Jennifer was thinking and therefore not paying attention, "can I get in on that?"

"I don't even know who this guy is," Jennifer said, gesturing at the corpse on the bar floor, "but somebody wanted him dead before he could talk to us. What does that tell you?"

"Ummmunow," Alex said through a mouthful of JD.

Jennifer opened her mouth to speak, but then thought about it and stopped. After a moment she said: "Me neither. There's something weird going on here. I think it might help to know who this guy is and, more importantly, why he wanted to meet with us."

Alex took another gulp of his drink, then strolled over to the dead guy. He leaned down and searched the guy's pockets, eventually finding a wallet, a set of keys and what looked like a letter opener. He brought them back to the bar and they took a closer look. The wallet had some credit cards, a driver's license and a slip of paper with an address on it. It also had a picture of a woman with two teenage children.

"He have family too." The bartender was looking over Jennifer's shoulder at the picture.

"Had, buddy," Alex corrected. "He had family. You just offed the guy, so I'd say they're not much use to him where he's gone."

The barman lowered his head and leaned back against the bar. "Sorry," he whispered.


	3. Chapter 3

Back at Alpine Park, Sandi was sitting at the desk flicking through her copy of Vogue. She was trying to ignore the yelling that was going on outside, but it was becoming more difficult by the second. Alex and Jennifer had arrived back from a meeting downtown, and Tony was less than ecstatic that he hadn't been in on it.

"Since when do you have to know about all the jobs?" Alex was yelling. "We had it covered."

"Well ya didn't, coz the contact is dead. If you had told me I could have shadowed you. Then we would know who this 'head' guy is." Tony was clearly pissed off.

Jennifer was reclining in one of the coaster carriages, apparently deep in thought. "What was that all about?" she mused. "What did he mean, big head, small shoulder?"

"I have no idea who that is, but man does he sound ugly." Alex was grimacing.

"Hey, maybe it's Modok," she grinned.

"Sweet!" Alex whooped. "I so wanna meet Modok! How big do you think he is?"

Jennifer considered this for a moment, before gesturing to somewhere around her knee level.

"You could put him in your pocket! He could sleep in one of those kitty baskets!"

"Alex—"

"You could put him on a leash and walk him around the Park!"

"Alex—"

"He'd be like a giant puppy!"

"Alex!" Tony was seriously unimpressed.

"Yes?"

"Can we focus? Just for a minute?"

"Doubtful," Jennifer smirked.

"And you," Tony went on, "you're just as bad."

Jennifer looked thunderous. When she spoke, her voice was barely more than a whisper. "Excuse me?"

Sandi had had enough. She got up from her chair and headed out into the Park.

"Will you people please just shut up?"

Alex, Jennifer and Tony whirled round to face her, looking almost shameful.

"I gathered from the polite discussion I heard through the window that the contact was killed before he had a chance to tell you anything."

"Right," Alex confirmed.

"And all you got outta the bartender was that he acted on the instructions of some freak guy."

"Yes," Jennifer agreed. "We got an address with his driver's license."

"So why don't you go there?" Sandi said, as if nobody had thought of that already.

"I already thought of that," Alex said. "But _she_ wouldn't let me."

"Hey!" Jennifer cried, affronted. "I thought we should come back and pick up some backup."

Alex thought about this for a moment, trying to figure out how many times Jennifer had said the word 'back'. And the word 'up'.

"I think that was a good idea. This guy didn't wanna be followed, right? But he was. They've obviously been watching him for weeks, else they wouldn't know that place was where he conducted his business. They knew he was going there."

"So why didn't they kill him sooner?" Jennifer said, her forehead wrinkled up in concentration. "They coulda offed him any time they liked if they knew where he was going."

"It wasn't him they wanted to kill." Tony wore a grim expression. "They wanted us to get involved. It wasn't the contact they were after."

He paused for a moment to give Alex enough time to figure out what he was talking about.

"So you're saying that _we're_ the target?" Alex was scratching his head. "Why is that? What did we ever do?"

"Do you have any idea exactly how many people we've pissed off since Agency X started?" Sandi was shaking her head.

"A few dozen?" Alex volunteered.

"I'd say maybe a hundred?" Jennifer guessed.

"One hundred and eighty-six."

Alex and Jennifer's mouths fell open. "How's that?"

"That's how many actual hits we've done. And I do the paperwork, I should know."

Jennifer raised an eyebrow. "What exactly does the 'paperwork' involve?"

"Tax and such."

"We pay _tax_?" Alex looked incredulous.

"Yup. They think we're running a theme park."

"Look, can we get back to what we're going to do?" Tony was looking more frustrated by the second. "I say Sandi and I go to this address. They haven't seen us, so if anywhere is being watched, we won't be recognised."

Jennifer was not impressed. "And what are we supposed to do? Stay here and play hoop-la?"

"If you want." Tony held out a hand for the slip of paper bearing the address, and Jennifer handed it to him grudgingly.

"'Kay then," Alex said, looking delighted, "I'll be red, you be yellow." And with that he set off towards the hoop-la booth at a jog.

"OK, we'll see you later then." Tony took his car keys out of a pocket and headed off to his car, Sandi trotting along behind.

Jennifer shook her head and followed Alex.

She found him by the booth separating dirty looking plastic rings into piles of different colours.

"Look there's a mouldy old bunny rabbit you could win!" Alex was far too excited about this prospect.

"This sucks."

"Aww, I think it's cute," he said, grinning like an idiot and waving at the bunny.

"I mean this situation. How come he gets to go and check it out?"

"He's a doofus," Alex stated, and handed her a pile of faded yellow rings. She took them and began hurling them a little too aggressively at the target.

"Why don't we just go anyway?"

"That's really gonna piss him off," he said, as Jennifer landed a ring on the central, prize-winning peg. "Let's do it." He leaped over the counter and took the disgusting bunny off of the top shelf. "Here you go," he said, handing it to her. "Now let's get this bad boy on the road."


End file.
